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Healthcare Training Institute - Quality Education since 1979CE for Psychologist, Social Worker, Counselor, & MFT!!
Section 5
Male Dependence and Masculinity Ideology
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In
heterosexual relationships, many males wage a constant battle between attaching
and detaching themselves from their partner. Men engage in what Lynch describes
as the classic masculine dilemma, "not too close, not too far away."
Here
are some examples of the masculine dilemma of independence which hides their dependence on women. A man hits a woman whom he loves. Or a man who is viewed as strong and
successful wants to commit suicide when his wife leaves him.
♦ The Masculine Dilemma: "Not too Close, Not too Far Away"
As
you know, boys struggle between attaching to their mothers and avoiding what is
feminine. This struggle carries over to their adult relationships with women.
David, a 35-year-old accountant, was struggling in his relationship with Amy.
After many sessions with David, I saw that on one hand, he was afraid that giving
in or becoming overattached to Amy would result in engulfment, or loss of his
masculine identity. But on the other hand, he feared she would abandon him.
♦ Partner or Adversary?
David
and Amy were having a hard time making decisions. They were constantly bargaining
and trading, trying to "win" little battles of power. I have found this
struggle relates to the idea that most depressed men must always feel superior
and independent in each aspect of their life. In one session, David told me, "If
I don't feel independent or if I'm not deciding everything, I feel like a failure."
I asked David, "Do you see Amy as your partner, or merely an adversary?"
David admitted, "Lately, we really just seem like adversaries. One of us
always has to give into the other." David refused to acknowledge that he
had any degree of dependence on Amy. The two had virtually no trust in their relationship.
Imagine your male client. Would it be beneficial to ask him if he views his significant
other as a partner or an adversary?
♦ Counterdependence
Like David, many men who
are insecure about their dependence become counterdependent, or oppositional.
As you know, counterdependence means behaving so as to prove the absence of any
dependence. For example, David would often go against Amy's wishes merely to maintain
an appearance of power.
David might as well have been saying, "I won't let
you tell me what to do. Whatever I choose will have nothing to do with depending
on you." Whereas healthy, independent men make decisions based on important
goals or convictions that may occasionally go against their partner's wishes,
David, a counterdependent man, was doing the opposite of what Amy wanted.
This
counterdependence is very damaging to intimate relationships. David failed
to acknowledge Amy's emotions and constantly tried to minimize her influence.
Amy often got frustrated, unable to exert any control over matters that were important
to her as they were to David. Amy, like many women, was able to recognize some
level of dependence in their relationship as necessary and good. She saw that
a partner should be able to depend on the other to be faithful and supportive.
David was able to see that if he did not have this emotional reassurance, the
lack of trust would cause his relationship to fail.
What role
does counterdependence and the masculine dilemma of, not too close, not too far
away, play with a client you are currently treating? The next section will deal
with emotional awareness to create self-empathy.
Reviewed 2023
Peer-Reviewed Journal Article References:
Curtis, M. G., Oshri, A., Bryant, C. M., Bermudez, J. M., & Kogan, S. M. (2021). Contextual adversity and rural Black men’s masculinity ideology during emerging adulthood. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 22(2), 217–226.
Lease, S. H., Shuman, W. A., & Gage, A. N. (2019). Incorporating traditional masculinity ideology into health promotion models: Differences for African American/Black and White men. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 20(1), 128–141.
McDermott, R. C., Brasil, K. M., Borgogna, N. C., Barinas, J. L., Berry, A. T., & Levant, R. F. (2021). The politics of men’s and women’s traditional masculinity ideology in the United States. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 22(4), 627–638.
Overall, N. C., Hammond, M. D., McNulty, J. K., & Finkel, E. J. (2016). When power shapes interpersonal behavior: Low relationship power predicts men’s aggressive responses to low situational power. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(2), 195–217.
Sobiraj, S., Rigotti, T., Weseler, D., & Mohr, G. (2015). Masculinity ideology and psychological strain: Considering men’s social stressors in female-dominated occupations. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 16(1), 54–66.
Swartout, K. M., Parrott, D. J., Cohn, A. M., Hagman, B. T., & Gallagher, K. E. (2015). Development of the Abbreviated Masculine Gender Role Stress Scale. Psychological Assessment, 27(2), 489–500.
Wade, J. C., & Coughlin, P. (2012). Male reference group identity dependence, masculinity ideology, and relationship satisfaction in men's heterosexual romantic relationships. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 13(4), 325–339.
QUESTION 5
How may your client exhibit counterdependence? To select and enter your answer go to .
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