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Section 8
Family Conversation (Part 2)

Question 8 | Test | Table of Contents

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In the last section, we discussed the First Four Suggestions of Telling Children about Adoption.  These included Initiating the Conversation, the "Movie" Technique, Using Positive Language, Telling the Truth and Allowing the Child to Express Anger Without Joining In.

Do you have a client who has some difficult information to tell his or her adopted child regarding the adoption?  How do you respond? 

In this section, we will continue the Nine Suggestions of Telling about the adoption by discussing Suggestions Five and Six.  These will include Omitting Until Age Twelve and Not Trying to Fix the Pain.  As you listen, think of your client.  How does he or she plan to tell his or her child about the adoption?

2 More Suggestions for Telling about Adoption

♦ #1 - Omitting Until Age 12
The fifth suggestion of telling is that omissions regarding specific facts are okay until around the age of twelve.  After that, it is often best to share all information.  The complete history may be too complicated or too adult to share with a toddler, or even a first, second or third-grade child.  Parents must assess each situation individually.

Dara came to me about her adopted daughter Ruby, age 7.  Dara stated, "Ruby's birth mother was a prostitute and involved with drugs!  I don't think I should tell her that, but I don't want her to feel I'm withholding information from her later on.  What is the right age to tell her?"  I stated, "You probably know Ruby's developmental level better than anyone, and the things she will or won't understand.  For example, if Ruby does not understand human sexuality, you may not want to explain prostitution to her just yet.  You might want to disclose information about Ruby's history in increments, as you feel she can understand it."

I explained to Dara that if, for whatever reason, the full story had not yet been told to Ruby during her childhood, Dara might want to tell it before adolescence. 

I stated to Dara, "Most teens believe very few of the things they hear from adults.  It's almost as though it is part of the job description of the adolescent to challenge whatever messages come from adults, particularly from their own parents.  Therefore, I advise adoptive parents to share information before their child enters the argumentative, stormy stage of adolescence.  Paradoxically, children around the age of eleven or twelve will understand and accept information that an older youth might not.  Children between ages 8 and 10 have more time to work and re-work material and come to a positive sense of self before they begin to emotionally leave the family nest.  Children under the age of twelve may process new, different and negative information more easily, with less potential for internalizing self blame or shame for the actions and choices of others." 

♦ #2 - Not Trying to "Fix" the Pain
The sixth suggestion of telling is not trying to fix the pain.  It is natural for parents to try to protect their children from pain.  However, adopted children will experience some pain in the normal resolution of adoption-related grief.  The only way out is through.  I stated to Dara, "You will not be able to erase all of Ruby's pain and sadness caused by separation from the birth family even if you say the right thing."

I explained to Dara, "Listening ears, soft shoulders, and understanding attitudes are often very helpful.  Sometimes in a parent's eagerness to take pain away from children, the parent instead takes away the validity of the child's feelings."    I continued, "When in pain, Ruby may not necessarily want explanations or logical thoughts about what has happened; she might just want someone who understands and empathizes, 'I know this hurts.'"

In a later session, Dara related to me that Ruby said a storyteller had visited her class who talked about the importance of naming characters and feelings.  Ruby stated to Dara, "I don't think my birth mother really loved me.  She didn't give me a name.  I wanted her to give me a name."  Dara did her best to listen and support, stating, "I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to realize that right in the midst of your class." 

Dara did her best to listen and support, not to give reasons why the birth mother might have avoided naming Ruby.  Dara also did not try to make Ruby's pain evaporate by ignoring it or redirecting attention from it.  Often the best remedy for emotional pain is the support that comes from awareness that another understands and accepts someone's feelings.

Do you have a Dara who is not sure when to tell his or her child about difficult facts in the adoption story?  Might playing this section in one of your sessions be beneficial? 

In this section, we have discussed Suggestions Five and Six.  These have included Omitting Until Age Twelve and Not Trying to Fix the Pain.

In the next section, we will discuss Suggestions Seven, Eight and Nine.  These will include Not Imposing Value Judgments on the Information, Giving the Child Control of the Story, the "Summary Story" Technique and Remembering that the Child Probably Knows More than You Think.
Reviewed 2023

Peer-Reviewed Journal Article References:
Kim, A. Y., Kim, O. M., Hu, A. W., Oh, J. S., & Lee, R. M. (2020). Conceptualization and measurement of birth family thoughts for adolescents and adults adopted transnationally. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(5), 555–565. 

Palacios, J., Adroher, S., Brodzinsky, D. M., Grotevant, H. D., Johnson, D. E., Juffer, F., Martínez-Mora, L., Muhamedrahimov, R. J., Selwyn, J., Simmonds, J., & Tarren-Sweeney, M. (2019). Adoption in the service of child protection: An international interdisciplinary perspective. Psychology, Public Policy, and Law, 25(2), 57–72.

Tener, D., Lusky, E., Tarshish, N., & Turjeman, S. (2018). Parental attitudes following disclosure of sibling sexual abuse: A child advocacy center intervention study. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 88(6), 661–669. 

Von Korff, L., & Grotevant, H. D. (2011). Contact in adoption and adoptive identity formation: The mediating role of family conversation. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(3), 393–401.

Walkner, A. J., & Rueter, M. A. (2014). Adoption status and family relationships during the transition to young adulthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(6), 877–886.

QUESTION 8
What are suggestions five and six of telling a child about adoption? To select and enter your answer go to Test.

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